Good Grief, It’s Memorial Day (Part 1)

Tonight I was at a neighbor’s house.  She is an amazing school teacher who is getting close to retirement.  She is also a widow.  We were discussing some matters of her lawn and the deck that the neighborhood is in the process of re-staining. As I got ready to leave, she was kind enough to share a little of her story with me. She was 27 when her husband was killed as they were in a car accident returning home from a family vacation. They had 3 young daughters, the youngest being 9 months old. I know that people say their heart aches, or that stories like that break their heart, but that was not the case.  I felt how much she loves and misses her husband all these years later.  That love, is not heartbreaking.

As I crossed the street to my house, I thought of another family I know who has experienced similar tragedy.

       

I took the picture above of Jodi’s brother and his young family.  We had just wrapped up a weekend family reunion at a cabin at Bear Lake.  As we were packing up the cars, Shelley asked me to snap this picture.  Little did I know, that it would be one of their only complete family pictures.

August 9, 2009

I will never forget that day.  I had just recently taken a new job where I work.  My manager had scheduled a training for me to come up to speed on what I would be doing.  The training was conducted over the internet and phone.  We had just started back after lunch when Jodi called me.  She told me that her dad and brothers had decided to take a rare father/sons vacation together.  Rare, because these three men worked harder than anyone I know.  Her older brother Jed, was a pilot and had decided to fly the 3 of them to the Oregon Coast to go fishing. 

Jodi and I were unaware of the planned trip, so it came as a shock when Jodi said, “They never made it to their hotel, and we haven’t heard from them since they left”.  I was immediately sick to my stomach.  Jodi comforted me saying that they would be ok.  She was handling it really well and told me I should stay at work until we knew more.

I returned to training, but was not paying attention.  A short time after Jodi called, I went to my boss, also a close friend of mine, and told him the situation.  I had to be home with Jodi.  The next hours were excruciating.  Jodi had gone and picked up Shelley’s two oldest kids so that she could deal with the stress without having to care for her kids.  It was agonizing as we kept them active and happy as we waited word.  Around 9 that night, Jodi got the call from her sister.  Police officers had come to her mom and Shelley to notify them that 2 husbands and 2 sons would not be coming home.  I was numb.  I did my best to comfort Jodi as we cried in our home office so that the kids would not see us.  Shelley wanted to be the one to tell her kids, but it was late enough it would need to be the next morning. 

The next few days after that are still a blur.  I remember taking the kids to Shelley’s and watching her tell them that Daddy had gone to live with Heavenly Father.  I love Shelley.  She is one of my heroes!  She is so brave.  I remember lots of people coming to her house and lots of food being brought for the family.  None of us had much of an appetite.  I remember media starting to call Shelley’s house.  We decided that I could manage that for the family.  I remember talking to KSL, Deseret News, and KUTV.

The following weeks and months were challenging for the family. The funeral(s) were hard, yet helpful at the same time for me. The church was packed.  I want to say there were around 1000 people that attended the service in our hometown in Idaho.  The service and love that we felt from friends, family, and even complete strangers was amazing. 

Memorial Day

I was raised in a home that commemorated every Memorial Day at the cemetary. My parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents would go out and clean and tend to the gravesites of the many ancestors that rest in Rupert. Both of my grandparents are from families that were established there.  I have two sets of great grandparents buried in Rupert, a set of grandparents, several great aunts and uncles, and an uncle, Lonnie Ray, who died within a few hours after he was born.  All of them are buried in the same area, so memorial day growing up for me was almost like an extended family reunion.

Sometimes my friends would give me a hard time as their Memorial Day traditions differed quite a bit from mine.  They would go camping, boating, or fishing.  I was ok with that, cause I always liked the traditions we had.  Memorial Day is even more significant to me now.  In the Paul Cemetary, just a few miles south west of the Rupert Cemetary, Jodi now has 2 grandparents, her dad, two brothers, and our son now buried close to each other.  All of them have passed since 2005.

Memorial Day is a time to celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.  This is the 1st of a 3 part post.  I wanted to give you some context about the 3 angels I will be introducing to you over the next two posts as I remember them and share some of my experiences with you.  I have briefly mentioned these three angels before, wondering if and when I would share the whole story from my perspective.  After talking to my neighbor about her husband she lost over 30 years ago, I feel it is time for me to share some of what I remember of Ron, Jed, and Jordan.  Hopefully it will encourage some to remember their loved ones that now watch over them.

Pictures From the Funeral

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I Apologize in Advance….

So before I post what you all are wanting to see, pictures, let me list some excuses…

• 4 days of training in Phoenix for my work
• 3 Cranial Bands Helmets for Little Angel
• 7 trips to Fit Well in Salt Lake to try and get try and get the helmets to FIT WELL (GRRRRRRRRR)
• 1 looong letter to Altius Insurance asking them to reconsider denying payment for Little Angel’s helmet
• 7 four hour classes each Wednesday Night
• 4 intense quizzes, 5 research papers (6-7 pages each), and 4 group projects
• 1 AA meeting
• 1 paper on the AA meeting
• 1 nine year old turning ten
• 1 American Idol Microphone for said 10 year old’s birthday party
• 1 birthday party for said 10 year old
• 1 trip to Idaho and a look at Austin’s newly laid headstone

I am sure there are more.  Needless to say, it has been a busy couple of months.  Things with our little Angel are going great.  She is such a cutie.  She has recently learned to wave and as usual is almost always all smiles.  We have been able to take her out where ever we go since the end of April.  She loves the new world she is experiencing and especially loves being outside.
She has had her helmet in one form or another since the end of March, but the time did not officially start until the first part of May.  To say this helmet experience has been a nightmare would be an understatement.  Our insurance denied the claim to pay for it, stating that it was not functionally necessary.  Jodi put together a multiple page (8-10 pages) letter full of studies and other information that we sent to them in our appeal letter.  They have denied that as well so we are appealing the appeal, but are doubtful it will do anything.  Some have suggested we get a hold of a news station so that they can raise awareness of our insurance’s decision.  We have not decided to do that yet, but are leaning against it.  I never even thought about the added cost that kids with special needs and unique situations cost before I had to deal with it.  I must say, it is worth every penny.
I wish the nightmare would only include the insurance.  The helmet company can’t seem to get it to work right on Little Angel.  She had sores on her head for most of April as they went through 3 different helmets trying to make it work.  They just have not fit right, and are constantly in her eyes.  Finally on Friday, Jodi called them she had had it.  She wanted our money back.  They told her to give them one more chance.  They were willing to pay for our gas, and had us talk to a different technician.  The changes seem to be better, but the jury is still out as to if this helmet is fitting right.  It seemed in her eyes again today so we will see (no pun intended).
Now let me go find some pictures…

Catching Up

I need to apologize for my lack of updates over the last little while.  I don’t know what Christmas did to me, but I have yet to catch up.  Both work an school mixed in with family have left me little time to blog.  I intend to do better.

A First Christmas

Our Angel’s first Christmas was  a special one.  I had forgotten the spirit a little baby brings into the home.  It seems to be even more present during Christmas.  EC and Keena were so cute with their sister wanting to show her all the sights, sounds, and traditions of Christmas.  Santa decided to get some DVDs for her to learn sign language.  These DVDs, called Signing Time have been a family favorite.  Keena and EC watch them regularly as we try to help our Little Angel learn to communicate.

Angel’s First Road Trip

We were able to go and visit family in Idaho over the New Year.  It was Little Angel’s first road trip.  She loved it, especially all of the attention.  With her oxygen machine, we had to go a little white trashish and put some luggage on the roof of our van.  Ironically I forgot a piece to the oxygen machine so we had to track down an Idaho branch of Praxair.  They ended up just delivering oxygen tanks to get us through the trip, so we went all cousin Eddie for nothing.

My dad taught the kids a game he used to play with us as kids.  It is called “Fox and Geese”.  They all had fun.  It was a wonderful chance for us to go and visit family.a

Game rules:  Fox and Geese - This game is played after a snowfall. First the snow is tramped down in paths to make a big wheel with spokes and a hub in the center. One player is the Fox and the rest are the Geese. The Fox tries to catch a Goose (who then becomes the next Fox). Players must stay inside the paths. If a Goose steps off the path, that Goose is caught. The only safe place for a Goose is in the center (hub). But only one Goose is allowed to be in the center.

A Christmas Present for Austin

While we were in Idaho we ordered a Christmas present for Austin.  We just got the proofs.  There may be some minor changes, but we are anxious for the ground to thaw so it can be placed.

Updates & Milestones

• Little Angel’s pulmonary hypertension seems to be better.  We have an appointment with the pulmonologist on Friday for an update.
• She does have severe sleep apnea that requires oxygen at night.
• She has acid reflux that which complicates the apnea and the pulmonary hypertension.
• She has grown so much.
• She can use both hands to hold things.
• She reaches and grabs rattles and toys very well.
• Just recently she has learned to reach and grab with both hands for something right in front of her.
• She loves her play piano exersaucer.
• She can sit in her bumbo.
• She has started eating rice cereal and baby food.
• She has started laughing.
• She still sleeps through the night.
• She has become pretty social and looks when you call her name and smiles a lot.
• She easily rolls over on her own.
• Little Angel communicates very well.  Keena was paying the piano about a month ago and when she would stop, Little Angel would start whimpering until she started playing again.  She did the same thing watching signing time with me this morning.

Austin’s Birthday Party

We released balloons (sorry environmentalists), sang Happy Birthday and ate cake.  It was a good family party.

Happy Birthday Austin Terry Garner

I started this blog as we began our physical and spiritual journey with Alea, the angel that came to our family on August 14, 2010.  We began a spiritual walk with another angel, our son Austin, on November 30, 2007.  He was born with a lethal abnormality and was only with us for 2 short hours.  I cannot describe the impact these two short hours have had on Jodi, Keena, EC, and I.  It has changed our spiritual outlook on life as well as increased our testimony that families are not just until death do us part, they are eternal.


I truly believe that one of the reasons we were given the blessing of having Austin was to prepare us for things that would came our way over the last 3 years.  Through Austin, the Lord has shown us that He is mindful of us, and that He will take care of us.

I have wanted to introduce Austin to the blog for sometime, but haven’t been able to decide how to do it.  At the time Alea was born, many would tell us that our family had been through so much.  I must admit, even I had thoughts and feelings about how much Heavenly Father would continue to ask Jodi to bear.  I did not want to add this perception to those who came to this blog, but did not know our story.  I wanted to use this forum to create awareness for Alea and Down syndrome.  I wanted to show people that Alea is as much a blessing to us as our other daughters have been.

With that being said, it is hard to share the complete walk with our angel, without including our angel that waits for us in heaven.  One thing I do not want this blog to be, is a typical mommy (daddy in my case) blog.  Jodi and I are both optimistic people, but that does not mean that challenges have not been hard.  As they have been hard, they have unified our little family in a way that cannot be described.  I am in awe of the spiritual maturity my older two girls have, and I credit that maturity to the lessons the Lord has taught them through our adversity.

I have decided to share a personal letter I sent to my family 3 weeks before Alea was born.  We had no idea of the unique opportunity Alea was waiting to provide us with.  The Lord did, however.  As you can see from the letter I sent to close family and friends, He wanted us to know that He is God, and He is with us.  The miracle you will read about did not make complete sense until Alea’s diagnosis was confirmed.  Indeed I am grateful for His mindfulness of us.

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Letter Written July 22, 2010:

I thought I would take a moment and share a tender mercy that we experienced this last week.  As most of you know, Jodi and I lost our son Austin 2.5 years ago.  Due to a lethal abnormality, he lived only 2 short hours after being born at 22 weeks.  I recorded the details of this experience on my blog if you are interested [It can be found on this blog on the Angel Austin page].  

At the time [of his passing], we decided  not to bury him, and to have the hospital take care of his remains for us.  Looking back, this has been a source of regret for both Jodi and I.  It is definitely something we wish we could go back and do differently.  This regret has increased since Jodi lost her dad and brothers in a plain crash last year.  It weighed especially heavy on us since Memorial Day.  We wanted a place we could go visit his remains and memorialize him.  I don't think that this desire was just between Jodi, the girls, and I, as a few extended family members expressed these feelings after Memorial Day.

On Thursday of last week, the U of U hospital called.  I am still not clear on the details of why, but they told Jodi that they still had Austin's remains.  They have started a program where they would place him in a cemetery in SLC with a nice marker, or we could come get his remains and bury him where we wanted.  We have decided to bury him with Jodi's dad and brothers. 
What a blessing!!  It has brought much joy to our household.  We will be holding a graveside service for him in Idaho.  Depending on what Jodi's Dr. says about her traveling it will either be next week, or about a month after the baby comes in August.

This has been a true testimony builder for me.  I know that God loves each and everyone of us.  I know he is mindful of our situations and that he knows how to teach us and humble us if we listen and do our best to follow him.  I debated whether to share this over email, but I really wanted to share it with those of you that have supported us over the last few years.

Love, Chris

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It should be noted that Jodi was inspired to go to Idaho and have the service before she had the baby.  If we had waited until after, Alea’s health would not have allowed us to do this until probably next spring.  How grateful for a wife who listens to that still small voice.  Happy Birthday son, we are thankful for all you are to us.  We continue to work so that there will be no empty chairs in Heaven.

Below are some pictures from the service held 7/30/2010.